For my first Thanksgiving as host, I bought the biggest turkey they had in the store. My plan was to torch the turkey, burn the potatoes and undercook the green beans. Continue reading
Human behavior is highly predictable. People don’t like to believe this. Most people would exit this situation with a good story they’ll be repeating at family holidays for years to come. We would exit with a free room in Vegas for life. Continue reading
Caper commences. Continue reading
“It’s Carla,” John said as he walked through the door.
“She’s at my house and she won’t leave.”
“Can’t you call the cops?” I asked.
“Her name is still on the lease.” Continue reading
It was 2am, and I had to pee in the middle of the night again. As I lifted the covers, I noticed that Josh wasn’t in the bed next to me. After using the bathroom, I went downstairs. No sign of Josh there, either. I looked out a front window in the living room. His car was in the driveway. I looked out the back window in the kitchen. A light was on in the barn.
I grabbed a jacket and slid on a pair of loafers I keep next to the back door.
I walked the hundred or so yards through the back yard to the barn and opened the door.
“What are you doing in here…”
I didn’t see him.
A faint noise, reminiscent of an old film projector, began emitting from a distance. The sound grew louder and closer.
An enormous light flashed and I heard a loud crash, which produced a cloud of dirt. I was temporarily blinded and inadvertently backed up into the wall of the barn.
“Honey! You won’t believe what happened!” Josh was geeking out. A frequent event.
“It’s possible!” Continue reading
Sheldon Cooper emerged from the tv screen and into my living room. I was 99% sure I wasn’t high.
“Give me the mug,” he demanded.
I’d made it onto Sheldon’s infamous mortal enemies list, joining such notables as Brent Spiner, Barry Kripke and Leslie Winkle. I was delighted to find myself in great company. I was also desperate to achieve Wil Wheaton status and get off the list. Continue reading
“I want in.”
I could hear my neighbor from my front porch.
“Ok, see ya Friday.”
I knew I’d already heard too much. My neighbor was into something nefarious, and I was a witness. Death felt imminent. I decided right then and there that, when offered, I would choose witness protection. Continue reading
“What do you mean you planned it this way?”
I couldn’t tell if Jim was drunk or joking. Or both. I just knew we could laugh about this later. Right now, we needed to start tearing down this wall while the mortar was still wet. Continue reading